Q. Do you know the different way of asking a man to listen without solving the problem for me?

The key to having a man listen without solving a problem for you is to set him up for it.

First things first. Men are single focused, and we are always interrupting a man. Always. I understand that might be frustrating for a woman to hear, but it’s true. And, a woman who is in masculine mode will also experience single focus. He’s the hunter focusing on one thing after the other, and not the gatherer going through the meadow with her awareness on everything (diffuse awareness) and multitasking. Ok. So what to do?

1) Ask for a time to talk. If you don’t, you’ll likely have the experience of him having an attitude. Which is just his response to being interrupted. Also, if you don’t ask, you definitely won’t get the kind of single focused listening you need. If you do, you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

2) Men naturally listen for the point or how they can fix it if you’re upset. This is a problem because often times women don’t have a point, and they don’t want the input while they are upset and emptying their thoughts. Women can talk just to talk which can be really difficult for a man to hear and sit through. I recommend chatting with girlfriends as a great way to get connection and clarity before you talk to the men in your life. You’ll get some great listening, and the clarity you’ll get will be a gift for the men you are talking to. Truly it’s a blessing for you and for them.

3) Next make sure to ask for the kind of listening you need and the amount of time you think you might need. If you’re emptying your basket from the day, you might say, I had a great day and want to share it with you. Or I’m super upset about a problem I’m having, and I need your help, but let me tell you everything I’ve tried before you dive in to help me. Men love to make us happy, and they love to solve problems, but they need to be ready for it because they are single focused.

4) Let him know how much it provides for you, and that he gets points for is just listening. Men really like to know that what they are doing provides something for you. If they can’t see that, then it’s not worth their effort. And believe me, sitting and listening to a person who has diffuse awareness, is effort for a single focused human being.  You can also let him know that it makes you happy.

The bottom line is that if you interrupt his day to ask for him to listen you will probably have an unpleasant experience and you’ll be upset. If you set him up to win, it will go a long way toward your happiness.

Thanks for asking! I hope this helps. Please comment here or ask your question by emailing kimi@YourDatingAndRelationshipSuccess.com