The key to having a man listen without solving a problem for you is to set him up for it.

First things first. Men are single focused, and we are always interrupting a man. Always. I understand that might be frustrating for a woman to hear, but it’s true. And, a woman who is in masculine mode will also experience single focus. He’s the hunter focusing on one thing after the other, and not the gatherer going through the meadow with her awareness on everything (diffuse awareness) and multitasking. Ok. So what to do?

1) Ask for a time to talk. If you don’t, you’ll likely have the experience of him having an attitude. Which is just his response to being interrupted. Also, if you don’t ask, you definitely won’t get the kind of single focused listening you need. If you do, you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

2) Men naturally listen for the point or how they can fix it if you’re upset. This is a problem because often times women don’t have a point, and they don’t want the input while they are upset and emptying their thoughts. Women can talk just to talk which can be really difficult for a man to hear and sit through. I recommend chatting with girlfriends as a great way to get connection and clarity before you talk to the men in your life. You’ll get some great listening, and the clarity you’ll get will be a gift for the men you are talking to. Truly it’s a blessing for you and for them.

3) Next make sure to ask for the kind of listening you need and the amount of time you think you might need. If you’re emptying your basket from the day, you might say, I had a great day and want to share it with you. Or I’m super upset about a problem I’m having, and I need your help, but let me tell you everything I’ve tried before you dive in to help me. Men love to make us happy, and they love to solve problems, but they need to be ready for it because they are single focused.

4) Let him know how much it provides for you, and that he gets points for is just listening. Men really like to know that what they are doing provides something for you. If they can’t see that, then it’s not worth their effort. And believe me, sitting and listening to a person who has diffuse awareness, is effort for a single focused human being.  You can also let him know that it makes you happy.

The bottom line is that if you interrupt his day to ask for him to listen you will probably have an unpleasant experience and you’ll be upset. If you set him up to win, it will go a long way toward your happiness.

Thanks for asking! I hope this helps. Please comment here or ask your question by emailing kimi@YourDatingAndRelationshipSuccess.com

The reality is that we are all worthy. We are worthy because we are here. Period. We all have gifts. We may not know what they are at the moment, but I promise that you have a gift. What stops us from realizing that is that we believe we don’t. We believe that we aren’t worthy. And although beliefs feel like the truth, they are not. They are just thoughts we think over and over again. And the more we think them, the more we gather evidence to support them.

Each belief we hold, effects the energy we put out in the world. It effects our experiences. It is like putting on sunglasses and seeing the world through lenses of that belief. What we believe, we project onto the world around us, and everything that supports that belief is highlighted above of an entire range of possible experiences. So what we believe dictates what experience.

For instance, if you believe that no one likes you, you’ll gather evidence that no one likes you by putting out the energy and expectation that people don’t like you and don’t want to talk with you. And then you’ll feel badly and maybe stay home. Then when the phone doesn’t ring or you have no plans for the weekend, you’ll see these things as evidence that no one likes you. On the other hand, if this same person had a belief that she’s likable, she’d go through the world looking for and seeing evidence of people liking her. She would assume that if the phone didn’t ring, that her friends were busy instead of ignoring her.

Examining and choosing your beliefs is critical to a happy life. We can change our beliefs by choosing to see the world in another way. By choosing to try on the opposite of what we currently believe. We can look for one or more examples of people who already have what we want to believe and imagine walking in their shoes to experiencing what it would feel like to have that belief.

—Isabel R.

—C. Sky